I am conflicted. Present in my consciousness is unease. I am anxious, nervous and gravely concerned, unable, despite my experience in similar matters, to breathe and relax into calm. In other words, something has to give. The issue is so small, so trivial, and so petty that I am embarrassed to even be in the situation of addressing it. It’s like after a thousand similar bumps one should see the subsequent bruise as cause and effect, not a random nudge from the cosmos. In yet another utilitarian attempt at writing as discovery, I will provide the case - and try to affect the effect.
The cause (objectively): I asked my immediate supervisor for two passes so that a pair of non-members could participate in the second of my (our) Cardio Cinema spin sessions at the club. Tardy with the request, it happened the night of the event as I was hustling in hair-on-fire mode, she says no. I recoil in horror. We exchange ‘you don’t understand - no YOU don’t understand’ insults and I walk away not wising to engage in an emotional debate on club policy with curtain time 30 minutes away. I vacate the area, terminate my part of the conversation and go about my business. We watch the movie, get in an hour spin and life is good. Until Monday. When it was announced in unmistakably vindictive terms that I was being replaced as Wednesday instructor and that the third film in the series, the one I am currently half-way through is denied. Sorry, nothing personal, just business!!!
The effect (subjectively): All this trauma stemming from one conversation. A misunderstanding that has escalated to my spending totally unnecessary yesterday time applying for work on-line. Because my knee-jerk response is to tender resignation. Some thanks I get for trying something new, doing all the work, and not expecting a dime in return as we test the concept. Sheeesh. I feel exploited, disrespected and worse, the target of a personal attack. Not the position one wants to enjoy as a teacher, freely offering the experience and lessons of fifty years in the industry.
That is the conflict. I offered a truce in an e-mail yesterday asking to meet for a cup of coffee to discuss. It would be my tactic to apologize for the conversational misunderstanding and pledge to move forward with the lesson of cooperation learned (the hard way). There is really no valid reason why we should continue to pour kerosene on this smoldering fire. All it would take is one part forgiveness and one part maturity. If there is an underlying issue, as I suspect, we might even air it and discuss.
As I confessed yesterday, I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I have run people away, made caustic remarks about events that in all reality should not be part of the experience (politics in particular) and require an all-in at all-times attitude. This simply isn’t for everyone. I have no problem with that, going as far as to develop a system that levels the playing field to allow all levels of ability to work together, simultaneously in a group environment.
As we sit today, I have rendered my response options to three:
1) Apologize for my part in the misunderstanding and do my best with the remaining classes. (Humility in defeat)
2) Resign in protest over my perception of unfair treatment. (Resist and remove)
3) Find another job and call it a career. (Deal with change)
I am not sure which I prefer. I want to do the right thing, for myself, the group and the club. I am not sure that offering an insincere apology (when I shouldn’t have to) helps my spirit of truthfulness. I am not sure I want to quit either, because I enjoy and respect our group. I should trust my ability to land on my feet and walk away, satisfied in my decision to move forward and learn the lesson, whatever it is, of the moment.
A wise someone once suggested that we should ‘merge our awareness with reality.’
I wonder what I am missing here. Is this a bridge too far?
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