Tonight is Not That Night

34.

I recognize the symptoms. I am fighting fatigue. Once there was a time when I was able to go for days without a recharge, but they are long past. My eyes are tired, the arthritis in my left hand creates a painful throb spanning across my knuckles. I stretch them as I wheel the Expedition at twice the posted speed limit. This is no time for distraction, emotional or physical. I look across at Drysdale to gauge his status and ask if he is OK. He replies in the affirmative. Yeah, I remember those days, of course you’re OK, I think, you are still a kid, probably a year or two out of college and the academy. As I am considering his readiness I look over to tell him something and see that he is staring at me. The reality of him doing the same assessment on me as I do to him is startling. 

“What?” I ask, as if I didn’t already know. 

“Are YOU OK?”

“Yeah, I am fine thanks. We are going to have to be solid. I want you to….” He cuts me off, rudely but importantly. 

“If we are walking blindly into a firefight I need to know how much RAM I need to assign to you. No offense sir, but I gotta know that you got my back because I have the feeling that this isn’t going to be a training drill.” He says.

On the one hand I want to dress him down with a chapter and verse quotation from page three of the riot act. On the other hand his honesty and openness is refreshing. Additionally, he is right. I am about a chip shot from being a liability. I try to find a happy medium between the two extremes. 

“I could ask the same of you. Let’s agree that we both need to up our game for this one. You have my word that I will give 110% in the time between right now and us putting Saunders in the back seat and hightailing it the fuck outta here” I say with as much sincerity as I can effectively bring to the exchange. 

He looks away without comment. 

“Not good enough?” I finally ask.

“No sir, that’s plenty, thank you. We’re good. I am just not quite sure that I want it to end this way.” 

“Who said anything about it ending?” 

“Yeah, well, you know, it always could.” He admits.

“It always could and it always can. This is a dangerous business son, we are asked to do things that most normal, sane people would never do in a millions years. We are under attack from a group that we can only label as terrorists. They will not and do not play fair. They want to kill us, our wives, girlfriends and children and anybody else who might stand between them and their nefarious goals. They will stop at nothing to achieve success with their demented schemes, and failing that will inflict as much chaos and mayhem onto as many people as possible along the way. It is our job to stop them. We could, as you suggest, get hurt in that attempt. But remember that we are the good guys here. There exist powers on our side that they never will have. I, like you, have spent my entire life in training for this very moment. We are most likely outnumbered two to one. We might take some shrapnel. But this is who we are and this is what we do. One day we will not be so lucky as to walk away from a fight like this.”

Drysdale, with a fixed stare, has me in his headlights. He is watching, listening closely.

“But tonight is not that night. Count on it.”