You Walked In

20.

We ride in silence. Anything conversationally deeper than our casual opening greetings, exchange of pertinent information and updated situation reports would include the emotional unease of the past. I am not ready to go there, and judging from her silent focus on the task at hand, neither is she. I do however drift into a still and reflective state, partially to relax and partially to reflect. 

Her innocent question: “Are you two still at it?” has exposed my weakness, pouring a truck-load of sea-salt into the emotional wounds of the past quarter of a century. I try once again to appease the relentless proddings of guilt as the retrospective replay of events grinds away in my mind. This should be something that I, we, have resolved. Resolved completely and long ago. The simple fact that I continue to struggle with it illustrates the depth of its insidiousness. Why I cannot let it go, set it free and move on with the lesson as a learning experience, haunts me to this very day. It is the demon that accompanies every trip I take, every move I make. 

Davis and I go way back. We played High School football together. He the star pass catcher always on the receiving end of my often inaccurate spirals. He the top student in the class as I worked my tail off to be number two. He the handsome and popular kid with the head cheerleader on his arm. His Dad bought him the ’65 Mustang as I worked weekends to repay Mom for my ancient VW Bug. 

Despite the almost comical differences between us, we nonetheless developed a healthy rivalry that pushed us to strive for excellence and achievement. We won a lot of games and set a lot of records as well as grading out at the very top of the class when scholastic aptitude testing. It seemed a natural progression when both West Point, Annapolis and the Air Force Academy came knocking at graduation. After all there were quotas to fill and officers required. 

It became quickly apparent that our world was no longer solely about football, girls and cars. Our responsibilities took a quantum leap towards accelerated maturity and dedication to a code, the not-so-subtle shift in attitude that comes with becoming a warrior. Our rivalry continued as we learned, studied and practiced individual improvement and coordinated teamwork. In the classroom, on the field, simulated and real, we began to feel with every living cell, the power and potential contained in a totally focused, committed and empowered human fighting machine.  There were times when we confessed to each other that it was getting a little scary, almost too hard to handle. Our commitment to each other was to never allow this secret to leak. 

We made it through and were eventually assigned to lead our enlisted brothers into battle against an opponent that had for a decade demonstrated an even greater degree of courage in defending their homeland against foreign aggression. With perhaps more destiny than irony we both decided that our talents pointed in the direction of volunteering for special assignment into the elite fighting units known for being ‘the best of the best.’ 

And another round of competition began, this time with a significantly reduced margin of error. 

As if the demands of calibrated intensity, the endless testing and training, the relentless stresses placed upon our emotional, physical and intellectual capabilities wasn’t enough, as the world stood at the crossroads of global conflict with both sides armed with enough nuclear firepower to eradicate the entire population, into this scene of personal growth and worldwide drama…

You walked in.