I Always Know

I always know. When I feel that there is something that I’d rather not do, I know that is the very thing I must do. That place where fear lives. THAT is the place I must go. Today I would really prefer not to talk about it. All that being said, the only thing that will save me is to talk about it. Maybe we can work it out. Here is what happened. And my response. Right now I feel horrible, so the sooner we get started the sooner I might learn the lesson, and move alone. 

We are in spin class, our regular Saturday morning high-intensity session where no prisoners are taken. We are almost done with a particularly gnarly set of sustained hill climbs finishing with a short sprint and with altogether too little recovery time. I am tired from the relentless demands and off on some tangential diatribe designed primarily to motivate the assembled riders to continue to work towards the goals they have established for themselves. This is not the time to second-guess your motivation, I say in a weak attempt to eek another minute of hard effort from their tired legs. The mixture of music, dopamine and the symptoms of fatigue seem to have created an opportunity for some e-minor magic. The search for dynamic flow seems to be successful. Madame Pele might even approve. 

Until one of the gals in the back row blurts out a question. She asks ‘what is the groove zone?’ 

I am floored. I have defined this, I say, 17,644 times and then I do the thing, say the thing, that I now regret, and now attempt to find atonement for and find satisfactory closure through, this verbal confessional. I have barked, bitten and belittled. In the heat of battle I crumbled, dumbing-down instead of picking-up. I asked her, incriminatingly, how many classes she has previously attended, knowing the answer to be close to 40, and that she should, by now, be close to an expert on the subject. 

Perhaps to cover my insensitivity, or simply to try to walk it back I launch into the 17,645th attempt. 

The groove zone is everything good mixed together in this time and place. it combines your personal and unique level of power, its output, the speed with which you turn the pedals, your heart-rate, your aerobic base, you musculature and integrity of bone, ligament, tendon and pancreas function, the ability of your central governor in the supervision of the focused effort, the dynamic flow you create, your hydration, your fuel system, your elegance and fluidity of motion, your attitude, your fears, your regrets of the past and your anxieties of the future. It includes all things intrinsic and your ability to limit those that extrinsically distract, annoy or infuriate. It includes music, rhythm and the percussive melody in your soul. It is a synergy of mind, body and spirit with the specific goal of finding your blissful and powerful place in the perfect universe. It is a moving target and subject to continual change. You must be totally present to receive its myriad benefits, humble in the acquisition and hungry for more. Emotion is important as gratitude and forgiveness are key components. All goodness is here. You can accept or reject. Love lives here side-by-side with joy, harmony and mirth. That is the freedom offered and your responsibility once begun. We begin by taking ownership of this, all this and everything. That is the groove zone.

We finish. I already knew by that point that I had - again - failed. The correct response to her innocent (I suspect) question should have been - that is a very good question (even though everyone else in the room had already heard the prior 16,644 attempts many times). But I barked in a bullying knee-jerk response. I made the assumption that she had understood the esoteric definition of a complex theorem. My bad. I knew the right thing to do, the professional thing, but allowed an overloaded, endorphin soaked sense of rigor to escape before being properly buffered. I had failed to adequately vet the response prior to delivery. Guilty as charged without a trial and off goes your head. 

There is that. I have done this before. It is my modus operandi. I will try to find the balance necessary to be that leader whose tact, diplomacy and style appeals to every type of rider in every circumstance and on every occasion. 

This is something I have been working on for several years. Maybe I am a slow learner. It is more important for me to be happy than right. And since this morning’s class, while high in benefit, has caused this unhappiness, that must mean I was wrong. 

Yes. That is it. I always know. I always know when I’ve been wrong.